I’ll be heading to Sydney for Transmission at the end of May. Flights and tickets are booked. I’m going solo, but meeting with the TT crew down there.
This weekend I’m stayin at Outrigger Sun City in 2 Bedroom apartment. If you want to come, msg me.
Read my review of A State of Trance 2004 here.
it’s a fine day, people open windows, they leave their houses, just for a short while.
fox ache.
where do i begin? at my birthday then. not much to tell. work and then dinner at parentals. i was more focussed on the saturday night escapade to family. only the close members of my assosiates decided it necessary to come along, but that mattered not to me. i endevoured to have a marvelous time regardless. apart from losing somethings that were very important to me at family, the night went well. one by one, my comrades disappeared into the night. around half 4 i left with my stayer pal carla and headed home. we found slip at home wide awake and raring to go. the fun continued well into the day, before we crashed out. i continued to sit infront of the massive tv of cinemaness till around 11 before passing out. the 4th of april never excisted.
the week thereafter has sinceforth been a week of more downs than ups, with a serious amount of dispair, confusion and frustration. i’ve had some internal turmoil for many years now, and the constant feeling that it is coming to fruition is really the crux of the issue. im getting tired and bogged down into my own feeling-sorry-for-myselfness. (damn i miss being able to combine words like that validly, like one can in german).
suggestions have been to try something new, get out there and have fun. well i am kinda doing that now. trying new things, getting out there and having fun. mabey it’s not my time. but time is important to me, i fucking hate wasting it. im not here to wait around. i feel fucked over. im left behind, sold short. yes, it affects me. its close to the bone, it matters to me and the fact there really isnt anything i can do about it. i need to be more proactive sure, but give me a fucking situation where i can. i feel like pacino in glengarry glen ross, except i dont even have shit leads. i got nothing. going nowhere.
i guess im battered. no not like a fish, more in a self mutilation sence. the ol’ self esteem and self confidence are running very very low. this pisses me off to no end, because this is a period of my life which i should be enjoying such things to their fullest. i want to be proud of myself and hold myself well. but im embarressed, and that shits me. ive lost all that i had back in 2001. yee fucking har. fucking nowhere.
no, thats not true, ive grown. but why do i feel less with it now than i used to? why do i feel stupider? why do i feel less mature? i know more, im more clued in… mabey with that comes the realisation you’re just dumb. i feel like one of the dumb public. yeah i realised a long time im not that unique snowflake. but i dont want to feel like the muddy mess thats left after the snow has layed. im feeling repressed. i wanna share things and have trust, affection and love in my life. ive always been an individualist. solo and selfish, but i gave that up a long time ago. well i think i have.
i admit ive got it good. i like where i live, i have a job and a car. i have no debts. i’m starting to save again. i have people i enjoy going out on the weekends with. i guess thats just it. i dont have much to complain about. but i feel so empty. i have no interests, no hobbys. i just sleep, eat, work, and party on the weekends.
my one fear, apart from losing things, is that life will pass me by. and when i get old, ill be bitter. im trying to enjoy it all, but when something as important as this (to me) is nowhere to be seen, then it makes things a drag. im getting bogged down in it. and that shits me. this isnt me. im sick of whinging. im not someone who gets down and depressed about stupid shit. all this darkness and negativity feels wrong.
a little sunshine in my life is all i need.
oh damn this is shit. i knew it would happen. the week is dragging like a motherfucker. come the fuck on. the bosses are gone. its really cruisy, but business is slow. im going insane, or is it inane? eh. i guess it will all be worthwhile on saturday night.
been listening to new a state of trance 2004 mixed by armin van buuren. it’s quite nice. also listening more to ferry corsten’s right of way. some very very nice tracks. his lastest essential mix is lush. i also got my hands on his live concert back in october.. 7 hours of ferry corsten. oh yes. the first little bit seems to be done with a live band, which is really interesting.
the hairdressers next door are playing trance. i know the track but cant put my finger on it. mmm.
come on weekend. i need you.